How to Eat the Booty Like Groceries

06.01.2021 - Sex Ed

Written by Zachary Zane
Zachary Zane - NY Daily News called me a “Bisexual Mega Influencer” | Sex columnist | SexPlain It @menshealthmag | Zach and the City @queermajority

Instagram: @zacharyzane_
Twitter: @zacharyzane_

There is a special place in hell for tops that don’t eat ass. Eating ass (aka analingus, rimming, butt munching, tossing salad, and eating the booty like groceries) is a must during sex. Period. And if you’re bottoming and your top says he doesn’t eat ass, kick his stupid face to the curb. I don’t care if he’s packing an uncut, 8-inch, rock-hard dick. In 2021, we don’t trust tops who refuse to eat ass.

With that out of the way, how do you eat ass? Sure, you could just stick your tongue in there and wiggle it around. But there is a technique. Well, actually, there are multiple techniques. Let’s break them down so you can eat ass like a goddamn professional. 

...we don’t trust tops who refuse to eat ass.

Tease the hole 

Before you delve in head first (literally), circle the hole with your finger. Spit onto his crack and let your saliva slowly drip down to his anus. Then lightly rub it in. Then don’t go straight for the center. Lick his ass, slowly walking your may to his butthole. Then lick around his anus to the point when he’s begging you to ram your tongue in there. Then you give him what he wants

Spread those cheeks 

You want to get up in there, boys. Spread those damn cheeks while you eat his ass. Then you can release and feel those cheeks slap against your face. That shit is hot.

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Play with those cheeks too. 

Spank ‘em. Bite ‘em. Shake ‘em. Get his whole ass involved when you’re eating his booty. Don’t just focus on that hole. 

Press your tongue flat against his hole.

Instead of licking with just the tip of your tongue, open your mouth wide and press the meat of your tongue, the top part, flush against his hole, so you’re using the most surface area. Then lick up and down, baby. 

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Use your chin and nose.

I know it may sound weird, but your tongue gets tired pretty quickly if you’re going down on that sweet, sweet hole. You can give yourself a break (and your partner a different sensation) by rubbing your nose and chin against their bootyhole too. 

Switch up positions. 

So there’s classic doggie style, but who doesn’t love a good old-fashioned facesitting? Let him smother you with those cheeks. You shouldn’t be able to BREATHE. That’s how much ass I want on your damn face. (Okay, this may be my kink and not yours, but I stand by it!) You can also put ‘em in Spread Eagle. So he’s on his back with a pillow underneath his lower back to tilt his pelvis upwards towards you. Then push his legs behind him—don’t hurt him now. Sure, if he’s a ballet dancer, turn him into a pretzel, but otherwise, let’s not pull one of his hammies. Then feast on that propped-up hole. He can also jack off his dick too while you’re doing this, AND you can look up at him, which is hot. (When I bottom, I love to see my man eating my ass.) 

Tell him how good he tastes.

Does he taste good? Let him know! He spent 30 minutes cleaning his asshole before coming over so you can eat and fuck him. Let him know his douching (and that special scrub he uses) wasn’t for nothing.  

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Show him how much you love doing it. 

Last but certainly not least, love doing it. When you love eating ass, it shows, and it makes it so damn hot for the bottom. It makes you feel like a goddamn princess when someone is devouring your booty and clearly loving it. If you show your bottom how much you’re into it, I guarantee he’ll love it too, even if your technique is a little sloppy.